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When he proposed to her she first came to me to check if he had my blessing. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. "Risk"? She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. The Quranic prescription for polygamy suggests that men can marry two, three or four wives (but not the other way round, naturally). The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Lateron, both married. Being a step-parent can be a very . In many typical cultures like India, China, and Pakistan infanticide is a very common practice despite an illegal and social evil [5-7]. One of the hardest aspects of being a second wife is having to deal with the emotional baggage of the failed marriage. Judge Nenney says every week she hears cases where a couple is charged for having sex outside marriage. Accepting being a second wife can be challenging for those who are considering polygamy. A Muslim convert says that being a second wife provides her. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. Crookston EM. Sharing household chores: Mrs. Tanveer with time accepted her co-wife and living in the same home. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. No, it is illegal.Under Section 494 of the Indian Penal Code, if a person marries a second time, without a divorce, while their spouse is alive, the marriage is considered bigamy, which is a punishable offense. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? 3.What were the coping strategies which you used to accept the co-wives relationship? At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. Even if children are more or less accepting, the ex more than likely wont be ok with the new person in their childs life. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. Because polygamy is typically condoned only in specific regions, it may be difficult to meet other willing participants to enter a polygamous union. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. It doesnt mean that it wont last. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. Are self-compassionate partners less jealous? He may be wounded and certain things may trigger an emotional response, such as . READ MORE:After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. But over the years, as we get in our 30s and 40s, we mature and realize that life just happens, no matter if you plan for other things. Co-wife conflict and co-operation. 2007; 21(1), 108-127. She should approach him first and address the issue, Maphalala suggests. When people. Thats irresponsible. Evelyn, who has a four-year-old son, now works as a waitress to help her mother with the legal fees for her divorce. She met Mr. Kamran 6 years back and married her after falling in love. Her ex-husband died. But the . You feel the need to establish more control over the decisions of your partner. She was married to Mr. Imam due to family pressure when he had already a wife with 2 children. Second marriages also have a much larger cast of characters than any first marriage. Most women dreaming of settling down probably aren't imagining doing so with a man who is already married. 2 Meet other future spouses. Her husband got married to Miss Sobia who was the 2nd wife and it was again a love marriage. He was a handsome 25-year-old who worked as a miner, and when he asked her gogo if he could marry Lillian, Nomqondiso agreed. 2016; 22(3): 272-286. Her in-laws forced her husband to marry another female because of only female children. It was an arranged marriage. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? The co-wives shared their several experiences and reasons why they allowed their husbands for 2nd or 3rd marriage. There are seriously complicated stunts involved-- trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife. Note that I said "freely" - emotionally guilt tripping women, threatening them with divorce or withholding custody of their children from them, and other such nefarious tactics to pressure women into 'accepting polygamy' are not equivalent to consent without coercion. 2014; 8-10. He's not a wealthy man, he has another family and I accepted that.'. Mrs. Tanveer was though accepted her husband's second wife but she told, when my husband got married to the second wife this sharing was indeed hurting for me. Mrs. Imam was 58 years old working lady living with her 2 children and a relationship with her co-wife. Can I marry second wife? So finding a man who respects women like uBaba is a blessing, The two women share the home duties between them, taking turns cooking and cleaning, and their six children help with the dishes and other household duties. Thus, two things relating to marriage have affected the overall percentage of the population who find polygamy acceptable: more unmarried people in the population, and the fact that these. Therefore, in line with the objectives of this study, qualitative interviews were a superlative choice for inductive approaches aimed at generating concepts and hypotheses that have far more potential for research than any other model. I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. The newlyweds moved to Soweto where they started a family after Nomqondiso died. Makes sense if there is no balance between males and females in a region. While in many cites it has been claimed that if a man is unable to maintain justice and equality to treat all the wives then the above verse is interpreted as in favour of monogamy [2]. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. Source: Sunan Sad ibn Manr 633, Grade: Sahih. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. A sample of 11 polygamous women was included through snowball sampling from the different cities of the province of Punjab, Pakistan with an age range of 18-50 years. The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". That does not negate their significance to you and your partner (s), but the union will not be recognized by the law. Polygamy has become very common in numerous cultures particularly in Islamic society. His first marriage counted. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. In addition, the interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) was used to generate a wide range of perceptions and opinions that women carry out about their experiences in polygamous family structures. It is an option. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and. So, she accepted this relationship. They adhere to the rules that all three of us set for them, like normal children. Zakhele walks in with his youngest brother, Thembekile*, 2, in his arms. Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being. Azad Chaiwala says he first "came out" as polygamous when he was just 12 . While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. The 58-year-old and her husband, Thamsanqa*, 65, married when Lillian was 18. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. But Professor Maphalala says although each family has its own way of doing things, its usually the husband who decides how the children should be disciplined. But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . All the above shows that there is really no marriage between the both parties. She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. Mrs. Mustafa said, she approved and permitted her husband to 2nd marriage. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. The sensitivity and the comfort level of discussing polygyny may have affected the sample size. Mrs. Amir had no baby so she said, "It's Allah's plan for me and I have accepted my fate". A nurse brought me this far she took me into her arms and her home and decided she would be my mother. Azad Chaiwala, CEO and founder of the Second Wife and Polygamy marriage websites. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. She said that she convinced her husband for 2nd marriage because of her illness. Mrs. Tanveer was 39 years old lady. They also threatened her with divorce. Many qualitative and quantitative studies have been conducted to evaluate the challenges and issues facing polygamous women on an international level. Jankowiak W, Sudakov M, Wilreker BC. 2009; 103(1): 17-29. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. My first marriage--even though it lasted five years--did not. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Maybe it was because I didnt have anyone in mind when I approached her I wasnt cheating on my wife, Id never do that.. Grab Now! And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. Prevalence of mental health problems in women in polygamous versus monogamous marriages: A systematic review and meta-analysis. She was divorced from her second husband because of infertility and the first time her husband died of an illness. My husband has two wives . Mrs. Arslan did not avail of divorce and said it was her fate to share her husband with her co-wife for the future of her children. like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. 2020; 24: 339351. Understand that he couldve cheated, but rather chose something that is common in African culture. Thamsanqa says its important to make sure you really want another wife, and to thoroughly analyse your reasons. And another wife Mrs. Kamal reported," in the beginning when I thought about the second wife I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurts me." The Journal of Social Psychology. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. I told her that if it was going to make her unhappy I would forget about the whole idea. She was the first wife of her husband and it was a happy arranged marriage. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. Since this is nobody's tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. The findings of the study indicate that polygamy is a painful and bitter pill for most women to swallow. Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. In the beginning, females refused to share their partners but with time they accept it. She also explained, "I never made differences among children". In Pakistan culture, most polygamous women get relief in religious practices and other activities as one of the senior wives (Mrs. Amir) said "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayer and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." READ MORE:Customary law know your rights. 2020; 39(2): 750-760. Yet we have to shake off the stigma attached to being The Second Wife and say, with a smile, Yes indeed, Im his second wife. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. 2015; 12(3): 267-289. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. To evaluate the outcomes of the relationship between co-wives. The real term for that arrangement is polygyny, "the practice or condition of having more than one wife at one time." Poly was defined above, and -gyny probably looks familar, from words like misogyny and gynecology: it's the Greek gyne, "woman." Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. "This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. Brigham Young and His Wives. In some countries like India, Iran, Iraq, Bangladesh, Algeria, Lebanon, Morocco, Jordan, and Kuwait allow a woman to include a clause prohibiting polygyny in marriage contacts. Not many people like a second wife. As some statistics have it, we are one in every four married women you will meet. Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you dont make it home at night. They dream big. Journalism strengthens democracy. Mediterranean Journal of Social Sciences. Cross-Cultural Research. The world is their oyster. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didn't quite open, he is. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. Women experienced various degrees of emotional difficulties including jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness, and lack of intimacy with their spouses. The second wife will have all of these extra people in her life that she never bargained for and it can be a lonely or isolating feeling. What kind of man has three wives and no job? Current Psychology. I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. Islam allows for a man to marry up to 4 wives rather illegal relationship. Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Incidentally, polygamy is illegal for non-Muslims according to Federal law but is allowed for Muslim men under Sharia Law. I'm seven months pregnant. Jealousy: Jealousy is a common response to protect ones relationship [14]. In the Muslim world, polygamy is acknowledged because it is supported and associated with religious doctrine as well as a fair and legal way of relationship. These themes were generated from the co-wives experiences. This is by far the most common (and the most frequently legal) form of polygamy. 3. It was hell for my mom and me afterwards, Evelyn says. Illiteracy, being a wife of a husband with three and more other wives, current history of depression, intimate partner violence, and poor social support were significantly associated with suicidal . But honestly, if your significant other has already had a wedding, who cares? The historic context was that men often died in battle . She also stated that "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayers and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." But here I am, married to a man who was married before. She said, 2nd wife of my husband also helps me in daily households activities. Could be many factors, but since a person in the marriage has already gone through a divorce, the option seems available and not as scary. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad could never keep a job, so she supported us. In another study man's wife having been diagnosed with a mental health problem, infertility, a man has only daughters or having children mentally and physically sick or man's wife older than he is, and exchange marriage are common reasons were discussed in a previous study. Data collection from the participants may have been affected by differences in age, years, and rank in marriage, educational level, and religious faiths. Unhappiness and loneliness: Mrs. Gulzar was unhappy about a lot of things in the marriage. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. 5. His family says it was unaware of any "second. Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. My wife and I were happy there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage. However, on appeal the. She stated out of sight, out of mind, She preferred the living arrangement. It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry ISSN: 2231-7805 (In Print)E-ISSN polyandry, marriage of a woman to two or more men at the same time; the term derives from the Greek polys, "many," and anr, andros, "man." When the husbands in a polyandrous marriage are brothers or are said to be brothers, the institution is called adelphic, or fraternal, polyandry. Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. Instituting change for women in a male-dominated society is a daunting task; however, it is essential. Sometimes the first wifeis forced to accept it because of her own limited circumstances, and sometimes she declares war or leaves her husband." Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. She was in severe depression after this trauma. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4].